The experience of amnesia
by Sycocat2
Summary: Ritsuka explains the experience of amnesia to Soubi.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Loveless, but I do own an experience of amnesia.

**A/N**: I'm writing this to think it out for possibly the millionth time, and to help you all perhaps better understand the perspective.

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"**The experience of amnesia"**

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In Soubi's apartment around 4:00pm one afternoon in winter, Ritsuka suddenly growled in frustration and placed his camera on the side table. His fighter looked up from a sketch (Ritsuka ordered him to do schoolwork).

Ritsuka stood and began pacing.

"What's the matter Ritsuka?" Soubi asked affectionately, curiously.

Pausing he turned "I've been told at least I was so young when it happened. What the hell does that mean though? I wasn't **alive** before ten years old, I wasn't a **person**?" He threw his hands in the air.

Soubi said "People sometimes speak nonsense because they believe it is comforting".

"Exactly. People have said "I'm sorry that happened", like saying it will change anything, but if I say that they would think I'm a selfish ungrateful person."

"You're the least selfish person I've ever met Ritsuka", his fighter stated, touching his arm lightly.

"It's weird but sometimes I still blame myself for losing my memories. I think of the friends I had, or other people who were important to me that I have no recollection of now. Sometimes stupid things too- I wonder what TV shows I used to like. I wonder if I might recognize a person from my past, or someplace my family used to visit. I wonder about them, but can't truly **miss **those things because I don't remember."

"I can't relate to other people with amnesia, if I was willing to go to a chat room or meeting, because I don't know how it happened, and there are different types.

I am glad about one aspect of my age when it happened at least I was too young to have a kid. If I did and couldn't remember them, I'd feel beyond horrible."

He sat down.

"When Semei died, I lost the one person who knew me before the amnesia, who still cared about me and helped me. I don't blame my old friends for not continuing to be there for me. The same way no one in my life understands what it's like to have amnesia, there's no way for me to understand their perspective.

It's been difficult making new friends. Even when I do, I can't keep them for some reason. Until Yuiko and Yayoi, they usually drifted away from me because I'm so different from other kids my age. And you, you're so different from any other person." He turned to Soubi, pausing briefly then continued.

"I usually don't tell people about my amnesia when we meet, because it's not their business. Then when people around me recall their childhood, or ask if I ever did this, or watched that show, I can't give any answer but a lie.

Then sheesh when someone recognizes me from years ago, and I tell them I don't remember them, I know how it seems. Especially if they say we used to be close friends. They call me a "dick" to their new friends as they walk away."

"Sometimes I even pretend that I'm normal…" He said looking up wistfully, laughed once, and then shook his head in frustration.

"I know my mom is the way she is because I can't remember my childhood and behave differently, I'm not the Ritsuka she remembers."

"Sometimes I'm actually afraid the real Ritsuka will come back. Then every day I live and everything I do is pointless, or even I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and everything—my amnesia, Semei's death, meeting you… everything from the past few years was a dream." Tears fell from his eyes at that note.

Those words made it real, they made it more than a story.

Soubi wrapped his arms around his sacrifice. "Thank you for trusting me so much to tell me this Ritsuka."

He turned "Of course I trust you Soubi, more than anyone. I never told someone else so much about my amnesia." He hugged Soubi's arms closer around him and as a tear fell upon his shirt "Thank you for listening".

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**The end**

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**A/N**: Those were not nearly all the points of the experience.

It's been over seven years since what caused my amnesia happened. I've spent the past four years with a tall handsome man who loves me, just like Ritsuka with Soubi, except we're only about three months apart in age.


End file.
